I thought I would’ve been married by now!

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Can I keep it real with you all? I honestly thought I would have been married by now. I did the work, went through the seasons, past the tests and still I’m waiting. I then realised, it wasn’t when I was fed up with waiting God would give me the desires of my heart but it was when God sees fit. When God is ready to hand over His precious daughter, when I have finished the purpose of singleness, when God is good and ready to bring me to His son. For His time is perfect and He is wonderful in all of His ways.

I am a mother of five children. I have had two failed long term relationships which gave me five amazing children. However, I don’t have the family dynamic I always desired. You know that mother, father and children household. That type of family where when you can’t tell the children no you say “ask your father” or that relationship where you say “don’t let me tell your father”.

Lets take it back a little. I really wasn’t that type of woman who desired to be married, until I got baptised seven years ago. I just thought marriage was just a piece of paper and felt we didn’t need to get married to be together forever, until I realised what marriage really was. If I really be honest my last three children Dad was the man I thought I would have married lol. I laugh because I can clearly see that was a myth but it wasn’t all bad because he was the one who sowed the desire of marriage in my heart, he just wasn’t the one I was suppose to marry, trust me I know.

During my walk with Christ, God has placed some amazing married couples within my life, that keep the desire and realness of marriage at the forefront. Most importantly God has been training me up to become a wife. I have learnt so much in my journey. For example, the stages of desire for marriage have been ever changing. First, I just wanted to be married because it was what I felt God desired for me to be. Then I wanted a husband to help me with my children and provide for me family, I mean hey, they need a male role model/father like figure in their life right? Then one day I realised this was all what I desire from him to be to my family but what about what I was suppose to be to him. In Genesis 2:18 “The Lord God said. it is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him”. Wow! A helper. Really God? Yes! A helper I was gonna have another child? No! I was going to be a woman who would help him in his purpose and together we would become one who walk together, loving one another and committing to one another till death do us part. No matter what comes our way I was to help him through. In all honesty, I thought it was about the man helping the woman. Although he is the head/leader and provider of the home. I was to be his helper/help meet. I was to help him with words of affirmation, ensuring he was at ease and his home was filled with peace, he was loved and cared for and most importantly to submit to him even when I know the direction he is going isn’t really the way we should be going. This marriage thing was beginning to seem a lot more complicated than I first thought. I also realised that I had to submit (Epeshians 5:22-33) please read.

While being on this journey to awaiting the one God had for me, trust and believe in my mind I had already planned a wedding with a man I so thought was for me *covers face* I had dreams, asked God for confirmation and truly believed I got it but as you are hear reading this post I am still single and it wasn’t him. I have had multiple sisters get married, have children and I am still hear waiting for God to open the eyes of my king. As women,at times we can get really carried away with the desire we have to wed, that we forget to actually enjoy the journey of singleness. Now there isn’t anything wrong with desiring to be married but it can also be very unhealthy to the point, you miss what your suppose to enjoy in the moment of singleness.

During this journey I also started to feel fear of marriage. I would have so many question floating through my mind like, I have so many children will he want them, He will have to get a DBS check, I need to get my body together, Omg will his family approve?. I started to realised none of these thoughts were my concern. My concern was to keep walking and fighting the good fight of faith and allow God to do the work, be God and prepare myself to be who I desire to be which is a wife. I had to start to walk in it daily and be ok with being who I am. Who ever God has for me will love me for who I am in Him.

I would also, battle with moments were I was ready and then all of a sudden I didn’t want to be married and I just want it to be me and God forever. I have to much things to do for the kingdom, maybe this marriage stuff isn’t for me.

I share all of this to say, ladies you may have thought you were going to be married by now however, your now and Gods now are two different things. My advice is get ready and stay ready. When God is ready, your ready and His ready will come together perfectly. Enjoy the season and don’t allow your thought to toss you to and throw like the wind. Be encourage that when God is ready you will be ready.

I want to leave you with this verse that myself and my ministry stand upon Psalms 37:4 “Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart”. May I add in His time.

Love Jasneth XOXO.


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